For your own safety, if you happen to encounter Bigfoot in the wild, it is important that you follow specific guidelines. Acting the wrong way, saying the wrong phrase, or even thinking the wrong thing can get you ripped to shreds in a matter of seconds. Here are a few things to remember when traveling in Bigfoot country:
How to avoid Bigfoot altogether:
Don’t travel in Bigfoot Territory
This is the first and most obvious tip. If you are scared of Bigfoot, and don’t want any chance of seeing him, stay out of wilderness areas such as the Pacific Northwest, Northern Canada, etc. Don’t travel in fertile forest areas populated by wildlife and few humans. Better yet, stay indoors with the shades drawn, lights off and in the fetal position.
If you are in Bigfoot country:
Bigfoot is territorial, but usually won’t attack unless provoked
He mostly lives in remote areas, away from humans as much as possible, where food is plentiful and there are few threats. However, if provoked, Bigfoot may confront you in an intrusively personal way.
Don’t overhunt the area
Bigfoot relies on local meat such as deer and fish to survive. If you are mindlessly shooting up the wildlife or catching more fish than you can eat, Bigfoot might have a problem with you. Don’t destroy his habitat and he won’t destroy your face.
Avoid leaving raw meat out
He can’t resist the smell of raw or rotting flesh. He is attracted to the smell of blood, and can smell it from miles away.
Don’t draw unneeded attention to yourself
Playing loud music, shooting your guns off in the middle of the night, or revving your 1995 Dodge Neon’s engine to impress your friends, are all things that might enrage a Bigfoot. In other words, don’t be an ass just because you are in the woods. Respect nature and Bigfoot’s neighborhood.
If you follow these guidelines, you have a good chance of avoiding Bigfoot and his fury all together. However, there is a chance even the most prepared and cautious person cannot avoid meeting Bigfoot.
If you have already provoked Bigfoot, and he has confronted you:
Offer him food (other than yourself)
His favorite foods include meat, fish, Kit-Kat bars and berries. The average human being looks very appetizing to a carnivore, so you need to sell how tasty your spare food is and how gross and nasty tasting you are. One idea is to lick/taste your arm and make a disgusting/puking face. Then for the bait food, perhaps take a little bite, rub your tummy and smile, set it down and back away. When he is thoroughly distracted with the food, slip away. Remember: If he really likes the food you offer him, he might try to find some more of it. Which is probably in your stomach. You get the picture.
It is well known that Bigfoot has a sense of humor, even if it is a very, very simple and obvious sense of humor. If you can entertain him, he might let you live a bit longer. Try tactics such as punching yourself in the face, grabbing a quarter from behind you ear or telling some Larry the Cable Guy jokes. He will easily be amused by the same type joke for quite some time, so as long as you keep going, you should be fine. Remember: if he gets bored, doesn’t understand or hates Larry the Cable Guy, he will rip you to shreds. Endurance is key.
Whether it be playing the air guitar to death metal, prancing around on all fours and kicking like a wild mule, acting like you have a million red ants crawling all over you, or trying to explain why Creed was popular at one point, just do something really, really confusing or mind boggling. The hope is that Bigfoot will be so puzzled that he simple leaves you alone. Only use this one as a last ditch effort because there is a chance Bigfoot will decide to kill you anyways because he doesn’t like being confused. Remember: Never, EVER, get in a dance off with Bigfoot. You will lose.
I hope you are wearing running shoes and have been training for the Olympics recently. Bigfoot has been known to run up to 35mph in open space. One thing you do have going for you is that you are most likely going to be in a densely forested area. Bigfoot is not very agile in regards to zigzagging trough trees. He is more of a straight forward runner who can burst through small branches and trees. So if you can avoid open spaces, run in a non-linear fashion through a dense forest, and happen to be a world class sprinter, you have a chance. Remember: Don’t look back. Everyone knows this is exactly when you unexpectedly run into a tree branch…or Bigfoot’s left forearm.
Lay in the fetal position and pray with all your heart that Bigfoot leaves you alone. Odds are he is going to drag you home and give you to his offspring to use as a ragdoll to play house with…for the rest of your short life (You WILL enjoy your tea Mrs. Peacock).
The idea behind this tactic is that perhaps Bigfoot will be startled by your sudden attack and run away. However, odds are that if he has already confronted you, he isn’t too scared or isn’t going to back down. Also, he probably out weighs you by 500 pounds and isn’t intimidated by your boney little behind. One hairy right hook and a snapped neck later, and you might regret this decision… but at least you’re going down with a fight.
Bigfoot doesn’t understand tears. He will clobber your face in just to shut you up.
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